That is Who I Am

Nashville. Hello my old (almost) home from over 20 years ago. I wasn’t planning to come see you this weekend, but any excuse to get away from the craziness of life back home for a few days is worth it.

Although, I’m not really seeing you aside from the dismal view of a parking lot and building roof from my hotel window. I’m here with my sister while she does inventory from late this night until early tomorrow morning. I have the whole hotel room to myself tonight and I planned to be so productive. But how can I when I’ve finally received a chance to be creative, to let my mind wander as it pleases. I’ve been following to-do lists and syllabi for years, watching as my imagination cried out for attention and slowly faded farther and farther away. If i’m not careful, I may lose it all together. It that what people mean when they say they lost their childhood? Is this what it means to be an adult? Giving up the thing that makes us who we are in exchange for coffee fueled mornings, attempting to maintain an adequate contribution to society and pills to help us sleep because we just can’t get anything right anymore?

 I lost myself when I got to college. Freshman year was so hard. I couldn’t do anything but sit back and watch everything that made me who I was, the confident talkative young child, get ripped to shreds. Scattered all over in hopes that one day I would put the pieces back together. Its been three years and I can confidently say….I did not. I’ve sobbed in the darkness of my own room, I questioned everything, I hid from people and built walls all around my brokenness. What was I supposed to do from here? Somedays, when I look back, I like to think i’m one of those people that can say “I made it!” But on days like this I realize that i’m not. I’m still not who I was and I doubt i’m anywhere close to who i’m supposed to be. I’m scarred, I’m hurt, and I still feel alone in a crowed. I don’t let people in anymore. I’m not even sure if I ever did to begin with. And then another thought comes along….what if this is who i’ve always been, but now i’ve just been made self-aware. My innocence as a child simply being the ignorance of myself. Is there, then, any hope of me improving myself? Becoming better, different, new? Or am I just trapped, forced to watch myself make mistake after mistake and dwell on the shame and embarrassment that follows?

 Oh, Nashville. Look at what you’ve done. I haven’t even begun to work on my homework. I’m going to regret this Monday morning as I scramble to catch back up. Perhaps its better for me to remain busy. But i’ve missed the freedom of blogging, and I intend to pick it back up. Its been too long, and I can clearly see how different I’ve become, and the talent that I once had but have now let rust in the dark recesses of my mind. I know I’ll get where I want to be, but to do that I have to remember where I came from, I have to find what made me happy and what I was good at. Welcome back, to The Thoughts of Your Average Teenager. I’m 21 years old now and I may still be just as broken as before, but I intend to fix that. And maybe that’s all I ever needed. A little bit of creativity and a visit to where I came from to give me the motivation to start anew. To finally begin that journey to find out who I am. And maybe that’s all being an adult is about. Not the papers or the bills or the things you keep forgetting to do, but the constant journey of finding yourself in every situation.

 Who am I when everything is going right? Or when everything is falling apart? And better yet, who do I want to be? Am I who I want to be at 3am when i’m chugging coffee as I desperately try to finish a paper i’ve procrastinated way too long on? Am I who I want to be as I relax in my favorite clothes, watching my fiancee’s eyes light up as he passionately tells me about his favorite things in life? Am I who I want to be, and if not how do I plan to get there? Because I can get there, and I know I will. That is who I am.