Before I arrived I was told there were going to be three other girls who were going to be on my connecting flight from Phoenix to Ontario. Oh what a joy. I didn't want to meet anyone or socialize before I had to. I prayed and prayed that we would end up not meeting up at the terminal; that I would get there just when they were starting to board and I would get to go on first and not have to talk to anyone. God had other plans though. My plane was delayed in getting everyone on board because a different plane was having issues and the passengers from that plane were having to transfer to our plane and they were being allowed to board first. So I was stuck with these girls texting me asking if i'd made it. I replied as happy and chipper as I could, pretending to be "oh so excited" for this trip. And of course all the girls find me and sit by me in the gate. Now, you have to understand, i'm not a social person by any means. I like my solitude and I especially don't like chipper conversations with people I don't know over a trip i'm not very excited about. But I forced myself to participate in conversations and actually try to be social. Well, not to your surprise i'm going to assume, I started enjoying it. We all ended up sitting next to each other on the flight and talking the whole way.
When we arrived I was feeling more and more outgoing and social by the minute. We met with the girl who was picking us up from the airport and taking us to the campus that we are staying at for the week. We had some good conversations with her and I continued to connect to the girls who were on my flight. But then, we made it to the campus. And there are a lot of people "SO EXCITED" to see you and asking how they can help you and guiding you here and there. And though my social skills are slowly getting better, my enthusiasm for this event hasn't risen in the least. I again put on a fake smile and lied about how excited I was to finally be there...as if my excitement just wouldn't wait another day. After we signed in and got our things, found our rooms and had about 30 minutes to "chill," they started the dreaded icebreakers. This, ladies and gents, is an introverts WORST nightmare come true. I immediately try to find ways to be excluded, to hide away where no one would notice I wasn't participating. But these folks are good and you can't hide anywhere. So I endured so many icebreakers and on the spot questions and center of attention like you couldn't imagine. I managed to survive and somehow...met a few more people I shared some common interests with.
So now i've managed to talk to a BUNCH of people, and I've noticed that, even after a few hours, i'm able to carry on a very good conversation with people now. I can't exactly start the conversation, but once its started I can carry it on. My abilities to end a conversation though is a whole other story and much to awkward to discuss. And then, once again the moment i've been dreading since I first heard about it: meeting your Preceptor "mentor." A person that you will meet with by yourself for an hour and a half each day....and discuss your faith. Um, I just got ok at holding casual conversations and you want me to spend an hour and a half each day with some strange person talking about deep issues? no thank you, I would rather die. But God paired me with one of the sweetest, most open girls ever. I don't think he could have paired me with a more perfect mentor. I was able to be so open with her about my faith, and share things with her right off the bat that I would have NEVER shared with anyone else. And yes, i cried. I cry over everything. But still, it was an somewhat awkward conversation at times, but it was much needed.
I literally felt so much weight lifted off me even as so much was barring down on my throat from trying not to cry. I honestly couldn't have imagined this trip being so beneficial already, but even though we haven't even started our lessons or lectures or anything yet, God is starting to break down my walls. Show me where i've been rebellious, show me where i've doubted, where i've gone astray. He's brought to life questions I never had the "time" or "energy" to ask and get answered. I can literally feel him starting to strip me down. He's just loosening the corners right now, but I have a feeling He's going to be ripping everything down over this trip. During the testimony sharing this evening I finally opened myself up to start facing the problems and questions i've "saved for later" and to be open to what he has to show me and where I need to break down and start again. I do believe that this new vulnerability is why I was so open with my mentor, because I was finally ready to be open with someone, and be open with myself. I was finally ready to be broken down, and I knew I couldn't dance around it any longer. I finally had to face it, and just dive right in. And so I did. Instead of carrying on casual conversation I dove into some of my struggles, some of my deeper questions, and though they may not be very specific now, I've put them out there for the world to see now. I can't back down. I'm being held accountable now, and change is inevitable. I have forced myself to acknowledge and pursue a new life and I'm hoping it will continue to carry on and build throughout the rest of this week.
This is just day 1 people, and it wasn't even a full day. However, I am exhausted as my day has currently been extended to 26 hours thanks to the lovely time zone change, and I will be retiring to my bed soon for about 10 hours of sleep. Goodnight everyone, and don't forget to let yourself be open. Voice you doubts, your questions and your thoughts, because you can't always solve it or change yourself if you keep it all inside.
This verse, for anyone who reads this, may not think it really fits with what I just wrote about. But I wanted to share it anyway because it is a verse that has really stuck with me and challenged me the past month or two, and is relevant to what i'm going through and thinking about on this trip.
James 2:19 (NLT) Do you still think it's enough to just believe that there is one God? Well, even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror!
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