All day today i've been so distracted, wondering if i'm on the right track or not. All through my high school and college careers, i've been doing things to please people. I've gone where it would hopefully be the least inconvenience on people, declared my major based off what I thought another person would approve of, and kept it so I wouldn't disappoint them. I've gone to a college that was no where near my first choice (I was actually determined to go anywhere but where i'm at now), and i've wondered several times since then if i'm really where I need to be. Did I end up here with this major because this is actually part of God's plan, or was I just too stubborn to listen and now i'm just truckin' along in a halfway decent phase in my life that could have been better had I just paid attention?
During our last lecture of the night I just felt like I was being bombarded by thoughts of majors, schools, minors, careers, etc. They were pounding in my head and preventing me from really being able to focus despite trying to ignore them or write them down so my frantic mind would calm down now that I wouldn't forget its "oh so urgent" thought. Are these even beneficial thoughts? Or am I just wanting what all these other pre-med students around me have? Am I just trying to fit in with everyone else; please these people i've known for only a short amount of time? Or is this really something God wants me to consider. Should I send in applications to other schools just to see if I could get in? Or is that just way too crazy of an idea. If I decide too late would my ROTC scholarship transfer with me, or will that cause a lot of problems for me to transfer after i've contracted.
I feel like there is so much I have to consider and my mind is such a buzz right now it's hard keeping everything straight.
Our time at the nursing home went a little differently than yesterday. There was even more going on today than yesterday, so we were only able to talk to about 5 residents; one of which immediately turned us away. The other three ladies and one gentleman we spoke to were all already Christians with strong relationships with God. They were very eager to share their faith with us and answer our questions. I feel like we were more blessed by their joyful attitudes and strong spirits than they were by us! It has really been incredible to see the difference in health and attitude between those who have faith and are willing to talk to us and those who don't want to talk to us at all, or who don't have any faith. There are actual physical differences between these people. We got to meet with one lady who our partners talked to yesterday and wanted to introduce us to. She was 107 years old and had so much wisdom to share with us. Sweetest lady you will ever meet and in very good health for someone her age!
This evening we met with an organization called Light Power who has services and classes for the adults and kids at their church who have special needs. 2 ladies came and shared a little about their disorders with us and how its affected them and what a typical day was like for them. That was such a blessing for us all as you could really see the heart of Christ in these ladies. They were so full of joy and wanted to talk to everyone during dinner and after the meeting. They also shared who Christ was to them: a loving God, their savior, someone the world would be a much better place with. It was also great to hear from two parents who had children with disabilities explain what they struggle with and how people without disabilities can (and should) interact with those with disabilities.
Today I talked with my mentor about rededicating my life to Christ and really trying to put him on the throne of my heart again, as over the years i'd slowly been pushing him off. I told myself I was just trying to think of everything. To listen and make sure I knew the best plan of action. In reality though I was just picking out what I wanted, making sure it fit into my schedule and my plans for my future. Sure i'd listen to Him here and there, i'd talk to Him ALL the time, but it was really more of a "when it was appropriate and beneficial for me" rather than out of a desire to build a relationship with Him and let Him guide my life. I was basically taking what I thought God was calling me to and trying to make it work, as if He couldn't make it work himself. And man am I suffering for it. I literally had everything planned out and this beautiful little web woven as to what I was going to do, how I was going to do it, when, where, why....everything. And when that web started to fall here and there it was chaos trying to put it back together. Put this thread back here, move you over here, weave you through these and back to this spot....but the more I tried to fix it the more it fell apart and it was impossible for me to keep up. Now i'm not saying I was completely ignoring God, or that I completely left him. I just took over the throne but kept telling myself I was letting God lead me. And sure i'd let Him back up there whenever I wanted Him there, but after that I basically had Him step down; the stage was mine once again.
I told myself there was nothing wrong with my faith. I had it pretty much figured out. Me and God where like white on rice. When in reality It was all about me and I would just ask God for advice, accept it when I wanted or when it fit, and rejected it when it didn't and blew it off as "some crazy idea of mine" that "wasn't what God wanted." My spiritual life was on this crazy roller coaster. Some days God really was on the throne of my heart, and I would genuinely listen and pray to Him. Other days, and most days, I was in control, and I prayed out of obligation like the Pharisees. I just wanted to be showy. I even lied to myself saying I was going to pray to seek God's guidance but I was really doing it to impress myself, to make myself think I was some awesome Christian. How dumb is that?? I finally realized that i've been on the throne way too long and it was time to give it up. I'm exhausted. That job will wear you out. But you won't think so, because you're constantly lying to yourself. Your soul KNOWS you're not supposed to be there but you're constantly fighting with yourself because part of you WANTS to be on the throne and you're not about to give up that easily. If you do who's going to think of this detail? Who's going to decide this? Who's gonna remember this, that....who who who? Well clearly its someone who's got a way better plan and a way better way of achieving it. I just didn't want to believe it. I was doing so well!! You can just wait a second God, cause i'm doing fantastic up here you have no idea. Yeah right. So now i'm in the process of letting go. I have no idea where He's going to lead me but I'm just going to have to trust Him. Because wherever He leads me, He's going to go before me, and He'll be there when I get there. And while i'm going to have to watch him tear down these "beautiful" walls of my life I built, I have a feeling whatever He's going to build next is going to be better than I could ever imagine.
There's a lot for me to think on and consider, and God is no where near done working on me right now. Even though my time here is slowly drawing to a close, I pray I will continue to let God continue to work on me back home. That's where the real struggle will be. I've got this perfect little mold to fit right back into, that everyone is expecting me to meet. These barriers will be harder to overcome as its part of a life I took years to build. I don't know what breaking out of that mold will look like or how it will affect my relationships with those around me, but I pray that it doesn't discourage me from letting God lead me, or encourage me to try to take over my life again. Its easy to go back to how you were before you left; everyone knows you that way and theres no effort you have to put forth either. I wasn't going to share this at first, but then I realized that not sharing was just another way of keeping me on the throne of my life, because it's easy to pretend like you've given your life back to Christ if you're the only one who's aware of it. So, i'm laying this out here so that I can now be held accountable. So that I can really and truly start surrendering to Him.
Please continue to pray that I will learn to daily surrender my life to Christ. Pray for the people we will continue to meet at the nursing homes, that God would just continue to work in their hearts and lives before and after we speak with them. He has already worked in so many peoples lives and I pray that this will just continue throughout this week and the weeks to come.
Matthew 28:18-20 (NLT) Jesus came and told his disciples, "I have been given all authority in heaven and on earth. Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age."
James 2:19 (NLT) Do you still think it's enough to just believe that there is one God? Well, even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror!
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